MEDIA + PRESS

SOHO HOUSE INTERVIEW

Personal Growth Coach Curtis Dean shares tips for attracting and sustaining love

‘There was a point in my life when my relationships completely sucked,’ says Curtis Harrier, founder of by.DEAN following his talk at Soho Beach House. ‘I didn’t know how to build or sustain intimate relationships.’

Things changed dramatically when he met human behavioral psychologist Dr. John DeMartini. Their introduction spurred a lifelong study of personal transformation. Now, he devotes his life to building intimate relationships — both his own and other peoples’ — by applying DeMartini’s method, one that promotes reflection and mindfulness in order to shift inner perspectives and perceptions of current partners. Here, Dean shares his teachings:

1. Finding love requires finding balance

As the Buddhist saying goes, ‘Striving for that which is unattainable is the source of human suffering.’ Modern society has sold us this fairytale about relationships and love, whereby the quest for love is fueled by a quest for the dopamine high that comes with it. If you strive solely for this kind of happiness in your relationship, you will end up suffering. Rather, real love is a mix of kindness and cruelty — it’s a perfect synthesis of support and challenge.

2. Always be willing to grow

Everyone lives by a set of values ranging from what is most meaningful and important to them, down to what matters least. Most people will attract partners who share some similarities to them, but it’s also important to attract someone with enough differences to make you grow. At the end of the day, personal and intimate relationships and marriage are not for happiness; they’re ultimately for growth.

3. Know where you connect (and where you differ)

The initial phase of a relationship comprises the infatuation and honeymoon stages, which tends to last anywhere from six months to a year. This is the point in the relationship where people tend to ignore other sides of their partner in the name of infatuation. But as you get to know your partner better, it’s important to determine what their values are, and how they compare to your own. Differences between the two of you are a good thing. Understand that your partner is there to support you just as much as they are to there to challenge you.

4. Learn the right way to fight with one another

Fighting is a good thing in an intimate relationship if it’s done correctly. Screaming, volatility, anger and projection are not healthy. Little wars and arguments, however, can be very helpful. When you start having monologues without dialogue, something is eroding in the relationship. You have to learn to dance.

5. Be your most authentic self

Vulnerability is a must, and it requires being willing to be authentic with yourself and staying true to who you are despite what your partner wants you to be. That’s achieved by knowing what your boundaries are and when you need space. On the other hand, it also means accepting your partner’s authentic self. The biggest mistake people make in relationships is seeking a one-sided individual. When you love someone for who they are, they become what you love.

6. Don’t fuss over timing

There is no such thing as perfect timing. We think we have to have it all together before we deserve to have a great relationship, but the reality is we don’t. It’s about what you inwardly feel you deserve.

7. Take it one step at a time

Take every part of a relationship step by step. There’s no rush to get to some imaginary finish line. The relationship process is a journey and the more you try to grip and grasp and hold on to this person, the more they are going to run the opposite way. Hold them like water in your hand.

Words by Carla Torres.